Thursday, May 17, 2012

Coming to a TV Screen Near You . . . Sometime Soon

Fellow Americans, I just want to let you know how much I have enjoyed being your President.  Michelle and I and the girls really like living here.  The girls have adapted to their new school, Michelle loves tending her little kitchen garden out back, and we all really enjoy using the helicopter.

But the reason I am addressing you tonight is this.  It seems that my poll numbers keep dropping.

Look. This is a hard job.  And I inherited a big mess from my predecessor.  And I know I said this recession would be over and recovery would be in full swing by now.  But I just didn't realize how bad things really were.  And this is a really hard job.   I devote every waking hour from 9:30 a.m to 4 p.m. to running this country, and it just seems like there is always more to do.

But I can understand that some of you have lost faith in me.  Gas prices are up because of evil speculators trying to make huge profits from your pockets. Unemployment levels are still too high, because greedy business owners just won't hire new people and take on those extra payroll expenses when sales are not going so good.  And that is why my poll numbers are so low.

 I just wanted to let you know I'm doing something about that.  Recently, I asked my good friends and advisors to find out exactly why people are not rating me favorably in my job as President.  And we have come up with some solutions we think you will like.  The best thing is, I have established a plan, so these solutions will not add a dime to the country's deficit or to your tax bill.  And then you will like me again, and my poll numbers will go back up.

Please like me.  Because I killed Osama Bin Laden.  And I'm the first Black President.

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